A Defense of Donovan – Blackmon

Published by William | Filed under Fifa World Cup South Africa 2010, Football (aka soccer)

Dudes,
You all must read this masterful work of satirical art that was recently posted on the blog The Yanks Are Coming regarding Landon Donovan’s recent loan to Everton. Sheer genius. I nearly wet my knickers. Furthermore, it’s straight out of the heart of a magical little place called Gainesville, Florida, where legends such as Tom Petty and Stephen Stills began their musical careers. Even if you are anti-Donovan, give it a shot because the sarcasm alone is worth the read. Enjoy.

An Open Letter to the Misinformed, not informed, ignorant and wayward legions of Landon haters Alike


First, I can’t even believe I’m writing this post. It’s unbelievable to me that it is even necessary. I had hoped to start the Yanks are Coming’s list of 32 players to watch in the 2010 World Cup tonight, but after reading a bit on message boards and comment wall’s (much, much more on that in a paragraph or two), I couldn’t help but feel this post was necessary, if only to make me, forget Landon (who doesn’t care!!), feel better. Second, let’s get some religion about how absurd it is that I’m writing this post. How absurd is a “Defense of Landon Donovan?” Well—for perspective—“A Defense of Landon Donovan” is more or less the equivalent of a “Defense of Dirk Nowitzki”, or a college football column entitled “In Defense of Colt McCoy”. Editors would laugh at those columns. Most folks should laugh at the thought of this one being necessary. And yet here I am. And here it is. Finally, this column will, as the title suggests, be an “open letter” to the legions of ignoramuses out there who continue to insist on the inadequacies of Landon Donovan. The engine that drove this column—well—you’ll have to read my letter, which I’ll begin now. One plea from the author— pay special attention if you fall into ANY of the categories in the group after the affectionate word “Dear.”


Dear:


1. Misinformed soccer fans;
2. uninformed soccer fans;
3. ignorant or semi-delusional British and European soccer fans who I’ll see in Rustenburg this June;
4. delusional Premier League fans who’ve never watched the U.S. Men’s National Team nor a single MLS game and may have caught Sportscenter’s brilliant soccer coverage for twenty seconds here and there but still feel the need to act like they know a great deal even though they should just plead ignorance;
5. and wayward, silly, pathetic Landon Donovan haters,
6. Bruce Arena,


My goal in this letter is to be as honest with you as you are not being with yourselves. As such, there are two things you should know outright, especially if you get to the end of this letter and you don’t fall into the category of “F” or someone who can’t just sit down, pour yourself a glass of egg nog or a pint of Guinness and admit ignorance. First, I am a devout fan and follower of Everton FC. As a fan of the Toffees, it has been a trying year. First, there was the Joleon Lescott saga with Blankcheckster City. David Moyes has been frustrated by poor form and a training ground that has Finch Farm looking more like a war hospital than a practice ground. Injuries to team captain Phil Neville, England national Phil Jagielka, the EPL’s most underrated player, Mikel Arteta, as well as the perpetual injuries of Yakubu, the world’s most lazy world class talent, have challenged Everton’s depth. The result of all of this is that Everton find themselves three points out of the drop zone a year after playing a riveting FA Cup Final with table topper Chelsea FC. Unlike Blankcheckster City, who only are allowed to play in England, the Toffees play in Europe too and the plight in Europe has been much better, as they find themselves in the knockout stages of the Europa League, along with fellow Liverpool residents Liverpool, but even that campaign has been sullied by a grotesque defeat against Portuguese giants Benfica. It is with this background that Everton have decided to try a loan with the subject matter of our letter, Landon Donovan.


Read the rest of this article here.